don't you ever just want to dissappear??--discouraged

she just decided to "dissappear" for a little while!?!? what the fuck?? seriously. and then she had the nerve to say that she "proabably crossed my mind a few times, i probably wondered why she hadn't called and then i went on my merry way". well if i ever get the urge to disappear for a while will someone please smack me across the face so i can remember what this felt like. i honestly thought she had died. i knew it was either that or i did something terribly wrong and she didn't want to talk to me ever again. i thought maybe this was her way of letting me down easily. when in reality she just wanted to get away from everyone for a while. that is some messed up shit, seriously. i can't think about anything without thinking about her. you would think that she knew that by now. and i really didn't want to worry about it. i didn't want to think about it. i would have liked to just be like "whatever, she'll call me when she wants and if she doesn't then i guess she doesn't want to. i'm cool with that" and i told myself to think like that but i couldn't. i HAD to worry about her and i HAD to think about her and i HAD to wonder if she was thinking about me. i guess not. she seemed very nonchalante about everything when i called her. maybe she gets a thrill out of scaring the shit out of people. well i sure as hell hope she had a great fucking time because whether she believes me or not i could not stop wondering why she hadn't called me.

it's not healthy for me to think about someone so much. it's really not. i know it's not, it can't be. sometimes i really do wish she would just fucking go away. i thought maybe it would be better if she just didn't call me. i used to think that she cared about me more than i could ever care about her. not that i didn't care about her. just that i wasn't capable of caring about her as much. no, i must have been wrong. yeah, she's gonna hurt me this time.