There's a First Time for Everything

I've never had anyone come out and tell me that they didn't want to be my friend because I was dating a girl. But Sunday, March 2nd I had my first confrontation with someone about my sexuality. Samuel sent me a message on myspace. This is the conversation...

From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:03 PM
as much as i hate confrontation, i must inform u that having u as a friend on myspace makes me feel as though i accept homosexuality, which i am completely and totally against. i feel that u should change your disgusting ways but wanted to allow you the opportunity to curse me or whatever b4 i deleted you =[

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥{{but she calls me angel}}™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:12 PM
well.....i must say that message both shocks and totally upsets me. i understand your position and accept the fact that you don't agree with my choice. but i'm disapointed to think that that you would be willing to deny a friendship with me of any sort. it was nice of you to let me know before removing me from your friends but honestly, i thought you would be a bigger person than to let something like a differnce in views alter your opinion of someone. i hope you'll rethink this, but it IS up to you. thanks for letting me know. :(

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:19 PM
it's not a differenc in views, not my personal view, my personal belief. i have beliefs that up until now, thot you had as well. you speaking during testimony meetings led me to think so

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥{{but she calls me angel}}™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:34 PM
but it is a difference in views....i don't understand how you could let this be a deciding factor of whether or not you consider me your friend. and honestly, im not trying to attack you, or turn this around and accuse you of anything but if a diffence in personal belief stops a friendship then i would think we would have ended this a long time ago because i consider your morals to be not exactly up to "mormon par" considering what happened the last time you came over to my house. i consider that completly inappropriate but i do realize that we obviously have differing opinions and i was willing to accept that. but if you're not, then that's you're decision and it's something i guess i will have to live with.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:41 PM
we all make mistakes, it's correcting those mistakes that solidify our beliefs

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:46 PM
well... i'm not going to sit here and beg you to change your mind but i am asking you to reconsider.... maybe if you talked with me about this before just making up your mind based on something you don't understand we wouldn't be in this situation

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:48 PM
there's nothing that anyone can say or do that would change my beliefs on the subject. i would be telling the same thing to one of my brothers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:52 PM
you may not agree with it... but would you honestly turn them away? because that is basically what you are doing with me... you're acting as if you're ashamed to know me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:53 PM
i can honestly say that i would be ashamed of my very own brothers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:57 PM
well.... exactly what kind of values do you have then samuel? because i don't want to share those. i don't want beliefs that would allow me to be more comfortable denying someone than loving because when it comes down to it.... you can't tell me that being ashamed of your brother would be more christlike.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 9:01 PM
your rite on that, its not christlike. i guess it is my view and my opinion then. but jst as i said i don't accept it, and want no part of it in my life. it's my bed time now

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 9:02 PM
well goodnight.... i guess i'll see you around



...the next day I got a friend request from Samuel. He sent a message along with it saying "i was thinkin about last night at work all day. im sorry bout that".

The Story Continues

Well, well, well.....I would certainly say that it's time for an update because SO much has happened since 2007 I don't even really know where to begin. The last blog was a rant so it didn't do very much in the way of explaination so, last you know, I was talking to Lindsey and she disappeared and that was it. Well, of course, it didn't take too long for that to end either. We always seem to be incapable of finishing what we start. Is there anything that would allow us to make a decision and finally know where we stand when it comes to our relationship with each other? The answer, YES! (fortunately).

Girls Camp: Molly Caldwell stays in the cabin with me. (Molly is best friends with Logan, Lindsey's brother, so of course "the Tanner's" came up.)

Youth Conference: I spent my time hanging out with Molly and met Logan. (He is such a cool person.) Molly slept in the cot beside me and we talked a little about what had happened and how I had made up my mind that I needed to be strong even though it was so hard because I didn't want to hurt Lindsey but I was just trying to do what was best for the both of us.

We got home from Youth Conference and a few weeks later, Molly got into a really bad car wreck. She was hit by a drunk driver and hospitalized. Lindsey called me. She wanted to let me know what had happened to Molly and since she was there right after the wreck and basically stayed with Molly in the hospital, she could easily update me on her condition. I had already heard from Courtney, but she didn't know that. The first time she called I didn't answer. She left a message asking me to call her back. I didn't want her to worry that I didn't know so I called her back. This was during the same time that I was sitting for Jo's father-in-law at the Shelby Hospital. Courtney told me that a group of youth from her ward were going to go up and see Molly and I wanted to go with them. So I drove to Greenville and met Courtney to go see Molly at the hospital. Courtney's ward and I and walked into the hospital room to see Molly. There are already other people in the room with her. The first person I see is Lindsey, sitting in a chair across the room. She was wearing a black t-shirt with a drumset on the front with a white collared shrit underneath and had her hair fixed in a fauxhawk. I think "Oh my god! Why are you here??!?" And I walk over to give Molly a hug. I stay as far away from Lindsey as I can and try my hardest to avoid looking at her but she is directly across the room from me and is being her usual 'center of attention' self. She bought Molly a happy retirement balloon so of course she had to point that out. When we left, she was right behind us. Drew actually asked her if she wanted to get on the elevator with us but she said she'd wait. Walking back to Courtney's car, I turn around to see how far behind me Courtney is and see her walking behind, looking straight at me. I wave slightly, only enough to make sure she knows what I was doing, then turn around and walk away. Later that night Courtney and I were at the Lucas's. Lindsey called me and asked me to come hang out with her and some friends. I couldn't believe she would even suggest that but I told her I was spending the night with Courtney. So she asked me to come see her before I left in the morning. I thought she was crazy and probably even told her so. She jokingly threatened to egg my car and slash my tires unless I came to see her but I couldn't do it. I was still trying to forget her and I knew seeing her would be such a bad idea, so I just went home.

The date: August 2007. The place: Converse College.
Actually just before arriving at school, Lindsey had called to wish me luck. She wanted to let me know she was proud of me for making it this far and for making the decision to continue with my education. I told her thank you. I also told her that once I got to college, I wasn't planning on speaking to her or of her at all. That hurt her. It was the first time we had a serious disagreement about anything. It didn't last very long but it was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to hurt her like that and maybe I should reconsider her role in my life. She WAS a very big part of my life. I couldn't very easily just cut her off and pretend she was never there.
So I got to college and withing a week or two I was talking with my roommate about her. Soon enough I was calling her often. I had made friends with a lesbian couple on campus and I asked them if they wanted to go with me to meet up with her. They agreed and we met at the target in Spartanburg. I was so nervous! It had been such a long time since I'd seen her and when we got there she wasn't there so Holly, Kathy, and I just walked around the store. We were in the toy setion in back and I turned around to say something to Holly and Kathy and instead see her standing there. My heart dropped to the floor, my head starting spinning, and I didn't know what to do. So I said "hi". And then we hugged. And then I introduced her to Holly and Kathy. We walked around Target. She stole my phone and scared me because she pretended to drop it. Then she proceded to hide from me....the jerk :).

We went to Wal-mart to let Kathy get something and then to Waffle House. Before going in to Waffle House Lindsey stole my phone and held it away from me. I was in the passanger seat and leaned over her trying to get it. It had been a long time since our faces were so close together. I told myself to back away. So I leaned back into my seat, got out of the car, and we went into Waffle House. Both of us knew what had almost happened in the car. At that moment, being so close to her, I knew that my longing to be with her had not faded in the slightest sense. She put her arm around me in the booth and I scooted in close to her side.

It was getting kind of late. Lindsey had to be going back to Greenville, so we went back to Target, where I left my car. Once again, Lindsey in the driver's seat, myself in the passangers seat, Holly and Kathy in the back. We were sitting in the parking lot. I didn't want to leave. She didn't want me to go. We were singing songs to each other. We went to give each other a hug goodbye. I looked into her eyes, she stared back at mine. The world stopped breathing as we kissed. We kissed, and I knew I couldn't leave just then. We kissed, and I wondered why it had been so long since I had allowed myself to feel the beauty that occurs each time our lips meet. We kissed, and my heart began to beat in my chest once more. We kissed.

Then she left. I wasn't sure what to think of it all. She was dating someone. She was dating Daliyah, actually. After that, it seemed like every time I would call, she wouldn't answer. She would tell me she'd call me back, but then get busy or would just forget. I was frustrated. I finally had the chance and the desire to seriously be with her but she wasn't in the situation to be with me. I thought I had simply waited too late. One day, I was sitting in my dorm, upset because she hadn't called. I decided that I wasn't goingto call her, and if she called me she would know that I wasn't happy. She called. I gave a half-hearted "Hello".

She responded with a gleeful "Hi! Are you busy?"

"No...why?" was my cold response.

"Because I'm at Converse and I was wondering if you wanted to come see me."

It's amazing how quickly she can change my mood just by telling me that I have the chance to see her. I ran down the stairs and walked over to Cudd. Walked up to the 2nd balcony, where she was and gave her a hug. She told me that she was glad I wasn't busy because she had a bad day and wanted to talk to me. I asked what happened and she preceded to tell me that Daliyah was pregnant, and it obviously wasn't hers. I knew Lindsey felt horrible about the situation and I didn't like to see her upset, but inside, I was so happy because I knew what this meant. It meant Lindsey would break up with Daliyah.

The next week, Lindsey went to the beach with Kel and Gel. The night they came back, I met them at Gel's house and spent the night with Lindsey for the first time ever.

Things progressed from there and on October 10, 2007 we began officially dating again and I haven't been happier in my entire life. I feel whole. Like everything I had ever wanted has suddenly come back to me. I love her with everything that I have and the more I see her, the closer we become and the easier it is for me to see that she is the person I want to build my future with. My family knows I'm with her, so I'm not hiding anything from them. I spend nearly every weekend with her. 5 months is coming up. I know sooner than I think, it will be 5 years. Then 50. I'm ready for our future together.