My past, present, and hopefully my future

ok here's the deal. I know that i love Lindsey. Well i think i know i love lindsey. i know she loves me. i don't know if i just want to love her or not. then i wonder if the reason i might think i love her and not know i love her is because people tell me i'm confused. I'm not sure if that made any sense. Let me start over. In the very beginning--how this whole thing started--me and one of kc's friends got probably a little too close. This was last year about a month ago. We talked alot, just as friends, then she spent the night with me one night and that's when things started changing. I layed down with her on the couch and gave her a kiss on the cheek. One time i went to give her a kiss and she kind of turned her head. It was almost on the lips. It kind of startled me. I didn' t know if she meant to or not. And then i started thinking about it later and i realized that i kind of wished she had moved all the way, so we would have actually kissed. I didn't know what to do, so i called Carrie. Carrie and Candice had been together about half a year by then and i just needed to talk to someone who knew what i was going thru. Carrie told me she wasn't going to tell me what to do. I knew what she did and saw the outcome so far. I just needed to do what i thought was right. But, to me there were 2 types of right. The right that felt right(the right i wanted) and the right i was told was the true right(the right i grew up believing). In the end, I chose to go with what I wanted. I decided that if it didn't work, or i didn't like it, then i would leave it alone. But i did like it. I liked being with someone, and it didn't bother me at all that that someone was a girl. Well, obviously my dad found out. Everything just got worse from there. I couldn't talk to Carrie or Candice or my g/f. So we broke up. I still talked to Carrie though. She's my friend, always.Things died down a little. Sometimes I still talked to my g/f on the phone. I saw Carrie at church and talked to her on the phone too. One day I was talking to Carrie b/c i needed advice for something. She said she didn't know what to tell me, but she knew someone who did. She called Lindsey. I didn't talk to Lindsey then, though. Carrie called her then called me back. Anyway, then another day I was coming home from my mom's. I had my cell phone in my pocket. when it started ringing i put it on silent b/c i figured it was carrie and daddy wouldn't let me talk to her. When i got home i had a message. it said "Hey, Lauren, this is Lindsey Tanner from greenville 2nd. I was just calling because i'm bored, and stuff. My number is ###-#### So, call me back if you want, and if you don't, that's cool. Bye." Yeah, I memorized the message. It was honestly the coolest message anyone has ever left me and i listened to it soooo many times. Well, it isn't something i would normally do, but i called Lindsey back. She answered and told me she was actually calling for Carrie. I said,"Ok, cool" but i kept talking to her. I knew Lindsey from camp and things like that and i thought she was the most awesome person on earth, but i didn't think she knew who i was or rememberd me at all. Turns out, she did, so we just kept talking, and one day i said something to her that made her mad at me. (not mad mad, but playful "i can't believe you did that" mad) I don't know what i was thinking, i probably wasn't, but i said "i love you." She got quiet. She stayed quiet for about 5 minutes. All i could hear was her TRYING to say something but nothing coming out. It was the sweetest thing. Then she finally said, "i love you too." I had the biggest smile on my face, I got butterflies like who knows what, and i absolutely knew i loved her at that moment. So life went on, we talked...a lot. Then one day she called my cell phone. I picked up the house phone and called her back so i wouldn't use my minutes. (now i wish i had just stayed on my cell) She called while she was on her way to work. And when she had to go she said "i love you." I really didn't want to let her go, so i just sat there and didn't say anything. She said "i'm sorry. i love you. I'll call you later" That's when my dad said "No, Lindsey, you won't. If you call anyone back, it will be me." My dad had picked up the phone, and listened to my conversation. I still don't know how much he heard, and that wasn't the last time he would do that. I think there wer two or three other times I had called Lindsey, and my dad picked up, heard me talking to her, listened to my converstaion, then grouned me. I pretty much have been grounded for the past year. Now, i talk to Lindsey as much as I can. It's definitely not as much as i want to. Once a month if i'm lucky. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in a long time. Sometimes I wonder if the last time i saw her was my very last. I hope not. For now, I just rely on the memories to get me through. They are the only thing I have to help me remember who she is, and how wonderful it made me feel to be with her, to know she was thinking of me. There is so much more to the story. If I added all the details, I would be typing all night. I left out all the sweet things, all the funny thing, all the things she said that let me know she cared about me. Everything reminds me of her. It doesn't matter how hard i try not to think of her; I can't get through one day without something making me think of Lindsey. I really miss her. I really love her. And if you could see me now you would probably notice the tears that are coming to my eyes at this moment. It's really hard, knowing that someone loves you, and knowing that you love them back, and having something stopping that. To have something keeping them from you. I want to be with my girlfriend, and i wish wanting something bad enough would make getting it easier. I think the only thing it makes easier is letting go of everything else. For now, I just hope she knows that she is on my mind constantly, and that i love her more than anything in this world. I want to be with her. She made my past wonderful! She makes my present bareable. And, hopefully, she wil be my future as well.