F is for 'Fake'
Anyone who has read The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne knows the story about the Adultress who was doomed to wear the scarlet 'A' on her bosom for the rest of her days. Once, Lindsey told me that when she was studying The Scarlet Letter in school they were asked to make their own letter that told of their sin. I decided that my greatest sin is that I am not myself to everyone or in every situation. Part of this might come from my "Dependant Personality Dissorder". Which is actually a pshychological problem some people have in which they are overly dependant upon those whom they associate with. I have found, in this book, two lines that I am very fond of. The first is "Let man tremble to win the hand of woman, unless he wins along with it, the utmost passion of her heart." The other--which relates to this subject--is "No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." If I had to adopt a phrase that describes myself over tha last few years, this would be it.
Often, perhaps at the beginning of a new school year, I have been asked to describe myself. It is very hard to describe one's self, however, if one does not know who they are. Am I even certain that ANY of the faces which I show are true? Perhaps I have been so caught up in being everything, that my true self has vanished?
To be entirely honest, the place I have felt the most natural is when I have been with my friends--the friends which my family says are "no good", "bad influences", "they only wnat to bring me down", and so forth. Lindsey, Carrie, Danielle. Those are the people I feel myself around. Julia can be included in that group also, but she is "good" (not that that is a bad thing, but i was simply naming those who are not "approved of", those i can no longer associate with) Everyone else at school. Everyone else at home. Everyone else at church. I put on masks when I am with them. Those 4 people that I mentioned are those with whom I can act like myself and still be appreciated and loved and every other wonderful feeling any person gets when they are with their friends. It's the kind of feeling, like, if you are with someone and you can't think of any place on Earth you would rather be. What is a friend? What is a BEST friend? A best friend loves you for who you are, especially when who you are is yourself.
Often, perhaps at the beginning of a new school year, I have been asked to describe myself. It is very hard to describe one's self, however, if one does not know who they are. Am I even certain that ANY of the faces which I show are true? Perhaps I have been so caught up in being everything, that my true self has vanished?
To be entirely honest, the place I have felt the most natural is when I have been with my friends--the friends which my family says are "no good", "bad influences", "they only wnat to bring me down", and so forth. Lindsey, Carrie, Danielle. Those are the people I feel myself around. Julia can be included in that group also, but she is "good" (not that that is a bad thing, but i was simply naming those who are not "approved of", those i can no longer associate with) Everyone else at school. Everyone else at home. Everyone else at church. I put on masks when I am with them. Those 4 people that I mentioned are those with whom I can act like myself and still be appreciated and loved and every other wonderful feeling any person gets when they are with their friends. It's the kind of feeling, like, if you are with someone and you can't think of any place on Earth you would rather be. What is a friend? What is a BEST friend? A best friend loves you for who you are, especially when who you are is yourself.
posted by Lauren at 6:37 PM
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