F is for 'Fake'

Anyone who has read The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne knows the story about the Adultress who was doomed to wear the scarlet 'A' on her bosom for the rest of her days. Once, Lindsey told me that when she was studying The Scarlet Letter in school they were asked to make their own letter that told of their sin. I decided that my greatest sin is that I am not myself to everyone or in every situation. Part of this might come from my "Dependant Personality Dissorder". Which is actually a pshychological problem some people have in which they are overly dependant upon those whom they associate with. I have found, in this book, two lines that I am very fond of. The first is "Let man tremble to win the hand of woman, unless he wins along with it, the utmost passion of her heart." The other--which relates to this subject--is "No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." If I had to adopt a phrase that describes myself over tha last few years, this would be it.
Often, perhaps at the beginning of a new school year, I have been asked to describe myself. It is very hard to describe one's self, however, if one does not know who they are. Am I even certain that ANY of the faces which I show are true? Perhaps I have been so caught up in being everything, that my true self has vanished?
To be entirely honest, the place I have felt the most natural is when I have been with my friends--the friends which my family says are "no good", "bad influences", "they only wnat to bring me down", and so forth. Lindsey, Carrie, Danielle. Those are the people I feel myself around. Julia can be included in that group also, but she is "good" (not that that is a bad thing, but i was simply naming those who are not "approved of", those i can no longer associate with) Everyone else at school. Everyone else at home. Everyone else at church. I put on masks when I am with them. Those 4 people that I mentioned are those with whom I can act like myself and still be appreciated and loved and every other wonderful feeling any person gets when they are with their friends. It's the kind of feeling, like, if you are with someone and you can't think of any place on Earth you would rather be. What is a friend? What is a BEST friend? A best friend loves you for who you are, especially when who you are is yourself.

Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance) by Green Day

No Good Will Come of This

What is wrong with me? Honestly! I'm not a whore, I swear. I just always end up talking with the crushes of my friends...and family...and things go wrong. They end up liking me! Some people may consider this a good thing? Trust me, it's not! So, me and Josh have a history, right, we went out (went together) about a year ago. Now, he goes out with my sister, Kaycee. No problem, right? WRONG! Big problem. The problem is that Josh still talks to me. The last time Kaycee went out with someone that I later started talking to, they broke up because he started liking me. Obviously, I turned him down. But Kaycee thinks it's gonna happen again. I called Julia and asked her what she thought. She reminded me of the time we both started talking to Fletcher and I knew she liked him, but he liked me. We ended up going out. I'm really not a bad person, and I don't even want these things to happen. But, it's not like their married! Why are people so overprotective of people they like. We're TEENAGERS! We're supposed to "shop around" so to speak. Suddenly, I can't even talk to anyone that anybody else likes. I don't understand that. I would have no problem with Lindsey talking with other people as long as it doesn't go to far, or we were to break up before it does. The only other person I know that even remotely understands this entire concept is John. But then people get mad at him because they say he's trying to be a "player". No he's not. He's just flirting. Flirting is fun. Or at least it's supposed to be. Lighten up people!

No Good Can Come of This

Don't you hate it when your day starts off great, then something happens and you realize that everything has changed. Today was definitely one of those days. I went to school. Everything was great. Was walking down the hall before classes started and I was informed that my friend was excommunicated. Everything stopped. I litterally had to turn around and walk back the other way. I feel so awful. I know that this is not less than what I should have expected, but i really didn't want things to happen this way. I haven't talked to her yet. I found out that she was at the church Thursday, when I was supposed to be at the Camorah's Hill practice! I hate it! All i know for sure is when she left the church she was crying. And what hurts me more is that I can't do anything to help her through this. Nothing at all! I can't even write about it now. I just want to talk to her. Still, no matter what, I don't have any regrets. I hope she doesn't either.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. "Sydney J. Harris
"I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renée
"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." Jim Rohn
"I have no regrets. I wouldn't have lived my life the way I did if I was going to worry about what people were going to say." Ingrid Bergman
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." Erica Jong
"Will you ever? I don’t think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who I am.I don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star." Erica Jong

My past, present, and hopefully my future

ok here's the deal. I know that i love Lindsey. Well i think i know i love lindsey. i know she loves me. i don't know if i just want to love her or not. then i wonder if the reason i might think i love her and not know i love her is because people tell me i'm confused. I'm not sure if that made any sense. Let me start over. In the very beginning--how this whole thing started--me and one of kc's friends got probably a little too close. This was last year about a month ago. We talked alot, just as friends, then she spent the night with me one night and that's when things started changing. I layed down with her on the couch and gave her a kiss on the cheek. One time i went to give her a kiss and she kind of turned her head. It was almost on the lips. It kind of startled me. I didn' t know if she meant to or not. And then i started thinking about it later and i realized that i kind of wished she had moved all the way, so we would have actually kissed. I didn't know what to do, so i called Carrie. Carrie and Candice had been together about half a year by then and i just needed to talk to someone who knew what i was going thru. Carrie told me she wasn't going to tell me what to do. I knew what she did and saw the outcome so far. I just needed to do what i thought was right. But, to me there were 2 types of right. The right that felt right(the right i wanted) and the right i was told was the true right(the right i grew up believing). In the end, I chose to go with what I wanted. I decided that if it didn't work, or i didn't like it, then i would leave it alone. But i did like it. I liked being with someone, and it didn't bother me at all that that someone was a girl. Well, obviously my dad found out. Everything just got worse from there. I couldn't talk to Carrie or Candice or my g/f. So we broke up. I still talked to Carrie though. She's my friend, always.Things died down a little. Sometimes I still talked to my g/f on the phone. I saw Carrie at church and talked to her on the phone too. One day I was talking to Carrie b/c i needed advice for something. She said she didn't know what to tell me, but she knew someone who did. She called Lindsey. I didn't talk to Lindsey then, though. Carrie called her then called me back. Anyway, then another day I was coming home from my mom's. I had my cell phone in my pocket. when it started ringing i put it on silent b/c i figured it was carrie and daddy wouldn't let me talk to her. When i got home i had a message. it said "Hey, Lauren, this is Lindsey Tanner from greenville 2nd. I was just calling because i'm bored, and stuff. My number is ###-#### So, call me back if you want, and if you don't, that's cool. Bye." Yeah, I memorized the message. It was honestly the coolest message anyone has ever left me and i listened to it soooo many times. Well, it isn't something i would normally do, but i called Lindsey back. She answered and told me she was actually calling for Carrie. I said,"Ok, cool" but i kept talking to her. I knew Lindsey from camp and things like that and i thought she was the most awesome person on earth, but i didn't think she knew who i was or rememberd me at all. Turns out, she did, so we just kept talking, and one day i said something to her that made her mad at me. (not mad mad, but playful "i can't believe you did that" mad) I don't know what i was thinking, i probably wasn't, but i said "i love you." She got quiet. She stayed quiet for about 5 minutes. All i could hear was her TRYING to say something but nothing coming out. It was the sweetest thing. Then she finally said, "i love you too." I had the biggest smile on my face, I got butterflies like who knows what, and i absolutely knew i loved her at that moment. So life went on, we talked...a lot. Then one day she called my cell phone. I picked up the house phone and called her back so i wouldn't use my minutes. (now i wish i had just stayed on my cell) She called while she was on her way to work. And when she had to go she said "i love you." I really didn't want to let her go, so i just sat there and didn't say anything. She said "i'm sorry. i love you. I'll call you later" That's when my dad said "No, Lindsey, you won't. If you call anyone back, it will be me." My dad had picked up the phone, and listened to my conversation. I still don't know how much he heard, and that wasn't the last time he would do that. I think there wer two or three other times I had called Lindsey, and my dad picked up, heard me talking to her, listened to my converstaion, then grouned me. I pretty much have been grounded for the past year. Now, i talk to Lindsey as much as I can. It's definitely not as much as i want to. Once a month if i'm lucky. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in a long time. Sometimes I wonder if the last time i saw her was my very last. I hope not. For now, I just rely on the memories to get me through. They are the only thing I have to help me remember who she is, and how wonderful it made me feel to be with her, to know she was thinking of me. There is so much more to the story. If I added all the details, I would be typing all night. I left out all the sweet things, all the funny thing, all the things she said that let me know she cared about me. Everything reminds me of her. It doesn't matter how hard i try not to think of her; I can't get through one day without something making me think of Lindsey. I really miss her. I really love her. And if you could see me now you would probably notice the tears that are coming to my eyes at this moment. It's really hard, knowing that someone loves you, and knowing that you love them back, and having something stopping that. To have something keeping them from you. I want to be with my girlfriend, and i wish wanting something bad enough would make getting it easier. I think the only thing it makes easier is letting go of everything else. For now, I just hope she knows that she is on my mind constantly, and that i love her more than anything in this world. I want to be with her. She made my past wonderful! She makes my present bareable. And, hopefully, she wil be my future as well.

Band Competition

Well, I just got back from Kaycee and Taylor's band competition. I don't know how we placed because we left before they gave awards, but Josh and Travis, and Candice, and this guy named Spencer came. I didn't talk to Candice even though my dad wasn't there. My mom was there, but I don't think she knows what Candice looks like. So, I sat with Josh the whole time. He is really cool. I miss him. Josh and I went out about a year ago. He broke up with me because he found out about my first girlfriend. Since that time he has gone out with Curstie--one of my friends--and he is currently going out with my sister, Kaycee. I was talking with him today on the phone. (He called to see where the competition was.) and I was asking him if he liked Kaycee and stuff like that. Of course he said yeah. But then we started talking about how we broke up. He told me if I hadn't been gay, he would have stayed with me. (I find this ironic because his sister is gay, but whatever.) Then I told him that I most likely wouldn't have gone through with this whole gay thing, but we broke up. So we decided we were both stupid and it was both of our faults. Then I asked him who he liked more, me or Kayce. He didn't want to answer. Then after a lot of pleading, he said me. I don't know how much I can believe him. I want to. He's not the kind of person to just say something like that. If he liked Kaycee more he would have said..."Duh, i'm going out with Kaycee. Of course I like her." But he didn't. Guys are confusing and hard to read. But then I asked him why and he wouldn't tell me. He said something like "No i'm not getting all mushy." (Yeah, he's a loser. But you gotta love him.) He said he might tell me at the competition, but he never did. And he wouldn't show me his arms--he has NICE arms...he works out. But he did tell me something. Not exactly what I would prefer to talk about with him. But he said "My sister told me something." I said "What?" He said, "She told me you would do Lindsey." I looked at him and said, "She IS my girlfriend." Then he was like eww and he moved over. I grabbed his arm and told him to come back beside me. But he was all "no, you said you would do Lindsey." He makes me so frustrated. I mean, he knows the answer to all those questions before he asks them. And then he still preceeds to make me mad and be an ass. Whatever. I give up. I hope Kaycee and him have a nice time together. Why must life be so hard?

My Friend

So this is kind of late but I am really happy as of a few days ago when I found out that I have a GAY GUY FRIEND. See, we've been freinds, but I didn't know he was gay. Then he found out I was bi and we were talking about it, and he told me he was gay. I think he is soooo cute too. And he's had a boyfriend before and he thinks a lot of guys at school are hot and he tells me who they are. But now I am going to the band competition I'll tell more later.

Another day in the life of...

So, not much really happened today. Evan told me that his dad kicked him out of his house! Some parents do the stupidest things. From what I hear, Evan's dad just kept deleting a program from their computer and Evan had to keep putting it back on. That's not all that's going on in Evan's life, but it was the last straw. So Evan said something to his dad about it and it ended in a big fight. Evan left, came to my house, went back to appologize, and now is living with John. That's basically the whole story (or at least all I know).
On a happier note...Danielle might be coming back to Blacksburg!!!!!!!!! I heard that and I swear my heart dropped. I really miss Dani. I don't think she knows how much. But if she does come back, I will be sure to let her know. She was honestly one of the best things in my life. Her leaving upset me more than I let on. And getting a hug from her Friday was basically a little sigh of relief. It just made me feel like, someday, everything will be better and we will discover the reason behind all of this maddness some people call life. To put it simply, Danielle really makes me happy.
Another cool thing that happened today is I talked to Nikki. Nikki is a gay girl in my sister's grade who Kaycee asked if she would ever go out with me. We had never talked. But I knew she liked me...or at least wanted to get to know me. Anyway, she was at the park today when I was baby-sitting Caroline and Dylan, so I sat down and talked with her while the kids played. She's not as bad as I thought she would be.

Quotes, "and Stuff"

*It’s not what I feel for you, it’s what I don’t feel for anyone else but you.
*Feelings disappear; can I be your memory?
*Don’t you ever want to run away, and see if anyone comes looking for you?
*My dream is to hear rocks hitting the window and see you standing in the rain.
*Have you ever thought of someone and realized you were smiling the whole time?
*You found me when no one else was looking.
*Maybe all I can do is hope to end up with the right regrets...
*One of these days, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
*For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
*Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.
*Love should never be a secret. If you keep something as complicated as love stored up inside, it could make you sick.
*There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
*Never regret something that once made you smile.
*To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
*Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! ~~The Scarlet Letter
*No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered aas to which may be the true. ~~The Scarlet Letter
*Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage.
*When it hurts to look back and you're scare to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

(taken from my buddy profile)
From: Curstie Lynn!/onelildevil07
Email:
Subject: HOWDY!!!
Message: Lauren, Well well well...what do I say?? Why the fuck duz every1 always say that lol? Obviously they know what to say if they've sed that...but oh well...back to the point. LOL today was the basketball game! Whoo! Remember...lol "I was wishing for a dark hallway...or classroom...heck it doesn't even have 2 be dark!" LMAO!! LOL and "This is Lindsey Tanner from Greenville 2nd..." lol she's great! Anyways, and remember the list of 5 ppl!!! We will never forget that! And don't forget...I AM having a party...I WILL DO IT!!...no no wait, not IT! it!...as in...PARTY! lol There will be fun times @ that party, lemme tell ya what dude! LOL, dude! haha! OH yea, the statements of luv LOL...what number was it again..lol that was so funny!! Well anyways I bet you wanna come back to the computer now so I will wrap this one up...oh yea, Justin Garrett McDaniel is another memory!! Can't leave out HIM! haha...l8r homie!! Luv ya~

Homecoming

Here is a list of the main people i talk about in this blog and some info about them:

Danielle(Dani)- one of my best friends; girlfriend of Candice; my dad dislikes her a lot
Candice- Gay pimp; sister of Josh; my dad hates her
Josh- b/f of Kaycee; my dad has no problem with him
Kaycee- my sister
Chase- my cousin
Evan- my friend; lives up the road from me; my dad really likes him
Hillary- my friend; takes me to work; my dad doesn't know her


Homecoming is absolutely my favorite day out of the entire school year. This years homecoming assembly was based on a theme called "Blast from the Past"(or something like that). It went from the 1920's all the way to present. My cousin, Chase, is a great dancer! I wish I was talented like him. He can sing, dance, and he's just a great person all around. He was in about four of the skits.
After the homecoming assembly was over we went to homeroom. Just about everyone signs out after the assembly. So I called my dad and asked him if I could sign out and go to my friend Hillary's house. Amazingly, he said yes. Thinking back on it, this is the first time I've been invited, and allowed, to go to someone else's house since I was 7. Well, that doesn't count going to Evan's or "dropping by" Lindsey's house. (That was back when I could still talk to her.)
At about 2 o'clock, we came back to the school and went to the pep rally. Nothing special, just a pep rally.
Then, came the football game. Danielle is one of my very best friends who moved to Greenville this year and I miss her really bad. I don't get to talk to her or see her or anything because she has a girlfriend also, Candice, who my dad hates (because he's homophobic). The last time I got to talk to Dani was at a football game about a month ago. And she came to this one! Before we even left the house, my dad told me I couldn't talk to her. When we got to the game I saw Dani. I motioned that I couldn't talk to her cause my dad wouldn't let me and she ran/walked in the other direction seeing as how my dad was in front of me. The only person I was allowed to talk to at the game from out of town was Josh, Kaycee's boyfriend and Candice's brother. I was sitting on the hill when I saw Josh. He looked at me then the people who were standing in front of Candice moved. I said "Oh my god, you can't be here." They looked up to the bleachers, saw my dad looking down at us, and ran away. About that time I started getting really upset. Not upset mad or sad but more freaking out. I think I was hyperventelating and everyone was telling me to calm down and honestly I don't know why I was doing any of this. I just felt like my dad was going to be soooo angry and take me home and I would just get in more trouble than I have been for the past year. Well, Danielle saw all of this. And she was going to go talk to my dad but I told her no she couldn't. Then I walked away because I knew he could see me and I didn't want to start anything between them. Then after a while I was still freaking out, and Dani was still seeing all this so I backed up to the bleachers, and she came over and gave me a hug. She told me everything would be ok and made me feel so much better. I walked away. I wish I would have stayed and talked with her. I still miss her.
The drama doesn't end there. After the band and colorguard left I was sitting with Josh, waiting on Kaycee, and Candice came up. She was talking to Josh and said "We have to go" Josh said "what?" Then I realized Candice was crying and she said "We have to go, I'm gonna get arrested." I backed up and walked away. They left. Then I told Kaycee what happened. Last I heard, Danielle's parents saw Danie and Candice together. I wish I knew more, but the story ends there.