Blast From The Past

Today, I decided to spend the night at my parent's house. As I was talking to Lindsey on my cell phone I walked by an open drawer and happened to look inside. By pure chance, something caught my eye! It was a set of 2 letters and a card. The letter on top said "to Lauren from Tiffy-Poo" so I thought I would look at it for old time's sake. But this blog is not about my letter from "Tiffy-Poo". Instead, it is about the letter that I found on the bottom. Actually, it was a set of three letters written by me to Lindsey and dated May 17, 18, and 22, 2005! 3 YEARS AGO!....when Lindsey and I were dating! I read the letters to her while sitting on the same bed I was sitting when I first wrote them, and in the same room as well! I never thought my life would turn out like this. I have everything I ever wanted and never could have. She is finally, freely, mine!

5/17/05
Hey Baby!
I just got back from my interview with Spartanburg Day School! My head AND my stomach hurt! But I think the interview went well. They're really nice there! jackie took me up there and brought me home. When i got back in the car I told her my mouoth hurt from fake smiling so much. one of the things they asked me to do was describe myself with 3 adjectives and tell why. And i was just wondering, you don't have to, but if you could pick 3 words to describe yourself what would you pick and why? And if you could pick 3 words for me same question? I'm just curious and want to see whta you say.
So, how are you? How is your life going? It really bothers me that we can't talk and I can't keep up to date on what's going on in your life. Don't worry, it's not your fault and I know it can't be helped. I just wish things had turned out differently. I want to know how you are doing. How work and family and friends are turning out. I'm not saying I want you to tell me everything you're doing because i want to check up on you... I just want to see how you are and make sure everything is going okay in your life. And I want to be able to help if it's not. Like that day we talked on the computer. I understand that you didn't want to think about whatever was wrong, but it still killed me that you didn't have time to tell me and that I couldn't help in any way. I just want everything in your life to be happy and ok, but I don't know how to do that right now with all of this going on.
I'm guessing by the time you get this letter you will have talked to Carrie. Right now, I'm still not completely sure what's going on. All I know isthis is the 2nd time Candice has done this to Carrie! And Danielle is really confused and she had NO idea they were engaged because Candice even made the comment she didn't have a ring on her finger. Oh and Kaycee cussed out Danielle. That's not cool at ALL in my book! And there is way too much going on for me to be grounded!
Well, i'm kinda really tired so I'm gonna go to bed for a little while but I just wanted to write while I had a chance. i'll write again later.
I Love You!
Lauren

5/18/05
Lindsey!
How are you? Things are going okay here in b-burg, besides me missing you terribly! I am so pitiful sometimes. today after church we stopped by Wal-Mart and we bought some milk and Daddy let Taylor and me go pick out some drinks so I was walking down the drink isle and one of the first drinks I saw was that orange drink you like (I don't remember the name) so I picked it up and bought it because I knew you like it! Geez! How sad am I? And no...It's not cute! It's pathetic! I miss you so much baby! You have no idea how much I really do. I think I've read through your most recent letter abut 10 times and that's only because I have to be extremely careful when reading it at home. And I'm smiling the whole time I'm reading it because you still manage to make me SO happy. I can't describe it and I can't explain why or how, all I know is I love it! It's the best feeling I've hadd in a long time and it isn't something I am willing to give up without a fight. I am going to win this... WE are going to win this. As long as you are willing to keep on at leasst a little longer I am also. You once wrote that you would fight dearly for me. i am morethan willing to fight dearly for you for as long as I have to. I won't let you donw Lindsey, and I could never mean to cause you pain. i'm sorry if I have in the past. I'm sure it isn't easy for you going thorough this. Sometimes i wonder why you would wnat to. Then i think about April 9th... it was around 4:50 a.m. That was the GREATEST moment ever! i was so excited and happy and nervous and every good feeling ther is in the world. The words "I love you" kept repeating over in my mind, along with "Is this real, can this really be happening, am I dreaming?" And somehow, by some miracle my lips were able to form the words "yes" and my voice slowly began to come back to me. And as I said that word i heard you sigh a relief and I wondered how you could have ever doubted.
Baby, you are so sweet and so precious to me. I dream of a day when I might be able to see you agin, see you freely. I dream of being with you, holding your hand, kissing you, reliving those wonderful times I remember being with you, and hopefully making new memories. I want that more than anything. I want to be with you more than anything. But until then, I am--somewhat impatiently--waiting. I love you, always.
Yours Truly,
Lauren

5/22/05
Hey Baby,
it's 1:13 a.m. right now (so actually this date's wrong) but I wanted to write to you. Today was conference and I had to do probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I saw you, morethan once actually before and after but it was worse after. I can't get the vision of you out of my head. It was so hard for me to walk by you and not say anything. I knew you were watching me but I also knew so were Daddy and Grandmama and probably 20 others. I wanted so badly to turn around and run up to you and hold on for dear life! But then what?
Don't get me wrong, though. I am glad you came. I really miss you and seeing you (even if it was a glance) was great. It's just knowing I couldn't do anything but glance that killed me. Did I look nervous? I hope not. I tried to hide it. I think I've gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings from people lately. Not exactly because I want to, but because it is best. I think it is best. I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing. Am I?
Well, I get the feeling I'm starting to sound depressing or something and I'm kinda confused right now so I'm gonna "try" and get some sleep. I'm not sure how well that will work. but i will talk to you again soon.
I love you!
Lauren

There's a First Time for Everything

I've never had anyone come out and tell me that they didn't want to be my friend because I was dating a girl. But Sunday, March 2nd I had my first confrontation with someone about my sexuality. Samuel sent me a message on myspace. This is the conversation...

From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:03 PM
as much as i hate confrontation, i must inform u that having u as a friend on myspace makes me feel as though i accept homosexuality, which i am completely and totally against. i feel that u should change your disgusting ways but wanted to allow you the opportunity to curse me or whatever b4 i deleted you =[

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥{{but she calls me angel}}™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:12 PM
well.....i must say that message both shocks and totally upsets me. i understand your position and accept the fact that you don't agree with my choice. but i'm disapointed to think that that you would be willing to deny a friendship with me of any sort. it was nice of you to let me know before removing me from your friends but honestly, i thought you would be a bigger person than to let something like a differnce in views alter your opinion of someone. i hope you'll rethink this, but it IS up to you. thanks for letting me know. :(

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:19 PM
it's not a differenc in views, not my personal view, my personal belief. i have beliefs that up until now, thot you had as well. you speaking during testimony meetings led me to think so

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥{{but she calls me angel}}™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:34 PM
but it is a difference in views....i don't understand how you could let this be a deciding factor of whether or not you consider me your friend. and honestly, im not trying to attack you, or turn this around and accuse you of anything but if a diffence in personal belief stops a friendship then i would think we would have ended this a long time ago because i consider your morals to be not exactly up to "mormon par" considering what happened the last time you came over to my house. i consider that completly inappropriate but i do realize that we obviously have differing opinions and i was willing to accept that. but if you're not, then that's you're decision and it's something i guess i will have to live with.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:41 PM
we all make mistakes, it's correcting those mistakes that solidify our beliefs

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:46 PM
well... i'm not going to sit here and beg you to change your mind but i am asking you to reconsider.... maybe if you talked with me about this before just making up your mind based on something you don't understand we wouldn't be in this situation

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:48 PM
there's nothing that anyone can say or do that would change my beliefs on the subject. i would be telling the same thing to one of my brothers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:52 PM
you may not agree with it... but would you honestly turn them away? because that is basically what you are doing with me... you're acting as if you're ashamed to know me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:53 PM
i can honestly say that i would be ashamed of my very own brothers

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 8:57 PM
well.... exactly what kind of values do you have then samuel? because i don't want to share those. i don't want beliefs that would allow me to be more comfortable denying someone than loving because when it comes down to it.... you can't tell me that being ashamed of your brother would be more christlike.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sam
Date: Mar 2, 2008 9:01 PM
your rite on that, its not christlike. i guess it is my view and my opinion then. but jst as i said i don't accept it, and want no part of it in my life. it's my bed time now

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: lauren♥but she calls me angel™
Date: Mar 2, 2008 9:02 PM
well goodnight.... i guess i'll see you around



...the next day I got a friend request from Samuel. He sent a message along with it saying "i was thinkin about last night at work all day. im sorry bout that".

The Story Continues

Well, well, well.....I would certainly say that it's time for an update because SO much has happened since 2007 I don't even really know where to begin. The last blog was a rant so it didn't do very much in the way of explaination so, last you know, I was talking to Lindsey and she disappeared and that was it. Well, of course, it didn't take too long for that to end either. We always seem to be incapable of finishing what we start. Is there anything that would allow us to make a decision and finally know where we stand when it comes to our relationship with each other? The answer, YES! (fortunately).

Girls Camp: Molly Caldwell stays in the cabin with me. (Molly is best friends with Logan, Lindsey's brother, so of course "the Tanner's" came up.)

Youth Conference: I spent my time hanging out with Molly and met Logan. (He is such a cool person.) Molly slept in the cot beside me and we talked a little about what had happened and how I had made up my mind that I needed to be strong even though it was so hard because I didn't want to hurt Lindsey but I was just trying to do what was best for the both of us.

We got home from Youth Conference and a few weeks later, Molly got into a really bad car wreck. She was hit by a drunk driver and hospitalized. Lindsey called me. She wanted to let me know what had happened to Molly and since she was there right after the wreck and basically stayed with Molly in the hospital, she could easily update me on her condition. I had already heard from Courtney, but she didn't know that. The first time she called I didn't answer. She left a message asking me to call her back. I didn't want her to worry that I didn't know so I called her back. This was during the same time that I was sitting for Jo's father-in-law at the Shelby Hospital. Courtney told me that a group of youth from her ward were going to go up and see Molly and I wanted to go with them. So I drove to Greenville and met Courtney to go see Molly at the hospital. Courtney's ward and I and walked into the hospital room to see Molly. There are already other people in the room with her. The first person I see is Lindsey, sitting in a chair across the room. She was wearing a black t-shirt with a drumset on the front with a white collared shrit underneath and had her hair fixed in a fauxhawk. I think "Oh my god! Why are you here??!?" And I walk over to give Molly a hug. I stay as far away from Lindsey as I can and try my hardest to avoid looking at her but she is directly across the room from me and is being her usual 'center of attention' self. She bought Molly a happy retirement balloon so of course she had to point that out. When we left, she was right behind us. Drew actually asked her if she wanted to get on the elevator with us but she said she'd wait. Walking back to Courtney's car, I turn around to see how far behind me Courtney is and see her walking behind, looking straight at me. I wave slightly, only enough to make sure she knows what I was doing, then turn around and walk away. Later that night Courtney and I were at the Lucas's. Lindsey called me and asked me to come hang out with her and some friends. I couldn't believe she would even suggest that but I told her I was spending the night with Courtney. So she asked me to come see her before I left in the morning. I thought she was crazy and probably even told her so. She jokingly threatened to egg my car and slash my tires unless I came to see her but I couldn't do it. I was still trying to forget her and I knew seeing her would be such a bad idea, so I just went home.

The date: August 2007. The place: Converse College.
Actually just before arriving at school, Lindsey had called to wish me luck. She wanted to let me know she was proud of me for making it this far and for making the decision to continue with my education. I told her thank you. I also told her that once I got to college, I wasn't planning on speaking to her or of her at all. That hurt her. It was the first time we had a serious disagreement about anything. It didn't last very long but it was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to hurt her like that and maybe I should reconsider her role in my life. She WAS a very big part of my life. I couldn't very easily just cut her off and pretend she was never there.
So I got to college and withing a week or two I was talking with my roommate about her. Soon enough I was calling her often. I had made friends with a lesbian couple on campus and I asked them if they wanted to go with me to meet up with her. They agreed and we met at the target in Spartanburg. I was so nervous! It had been such a long time since I'd seen her and when we got there she wasn't there so Holly, Kathy, and I just walked around the store. We were in the toy setion in back and I turned around to say something to Holly and Kathy and instead see her standing there. My heart dropped to the floor, my head starting spinning, and I didn't know what to do. So I said "hi". And then we hugged. And then I introduced her to Holly and Kathy. We walked around Target. She stole my phone and scared me because she pretended to drop it. Then she proceded to hide from me....the jerk :).

We went to Wal-mart to let Kathy get something and then to Waffle House. Before going in to Waffle House Lindsey stole my phone and held it away from me. I was in the passanger seat and leaned over her trying to get it. It had been a long time since our faces were so close together. I told myself to back away. So I leaned back into my seat, got out of the car, and we went into Waffle House. Both of us knew what had almost happened in the car. At that moment, being so close to her, I knew that my longing to be with her had not faded in the slightest sense. She put her arm around me in the booth and I scooted in close to her side.

It was getting kind of late. Lindsey had to be going back to Greenville, so we went back to Target, where I left my car. Once again, Lindsey in the driver's seat, myself in the passangers seat, Holly and Kathy in the back. We were sitting in the parking lot. I didn't want to leave. She didn't want me to go. We were singing songs to each other. We went to give each other a hug goodbye. I looked into her eyes, she stared back at mine. The world stopped breathing as we kissed. We kissed, and I knew I couldn't leave just then. We kissed, and I wondered why it had been so long since I had allowed myself to feel the beauty that occurs each time our lips meet. We kissed, and my heart began to beat in my chest once more. We kissed.

Then she left. I wasn't sure what to think of it all. She was dating someone. She was dating Daliyah, actually. After that, it seemed like every time I would call, she wouldn't answer. She would tell me she'd call me back, but then get busy or would just forget. I was frustrated. I finally had the chance and the desire to seriously be with her but she wasn't in the situation to be with me. I thought I had simply waited too late. One day, I was sitting in my dorm, upset because she hadn't called. I decided that I wasn't goingto call her, and if she called me she would know that I wasn't happy. She called. I gave a half-hearted "Hello".

She responded with a gleeful "Hi! Are you busy?"

"No...why?" was my cold response.

"Because I'm at Converse and I was wondering if you wanted to come see me."

It's amazing how quickly she can change my mood just by telling me that I have the chance to see her. I ran down the stairs and walked over to Cudd. Walked up to the 2nd balcony, where she was and gave her a hug. She told me that she was glad I wasn't busy because she had a bad day and wanted to talk to me. I asked what happened and she preceded to tell me that Daliyah was pregnant, and it obviously wasn't hers. I knew Lindsey felt horrible about the situation and I didn't like to see her upset, but inside, I was so happy because I knew what this meant. It meant Lindsey would break up with Daliyah.

The next week, Lindsey went to the beach with Kel and Gel. The night they came back, I met them at Gel's house and spent the night with Lindsey for the first time ever.

Things progressed from there and on October 10, 2007 we began officially dating again and I haven't been happier in my entire life. I feel whole. Like everything I had ever wanted has suddenly come back to me. I love her with everything that I have and the more I see her, the closer we become and the easier it is for me to see that she is the person I want to build my future with. My family knows I'm with her, so I'm not hiding anything from them. I spend nearly every weekend with her. 5 months is coming up. I know sooner than I think, it will be 5 years. Then 50. I'm ready for our future together.

food for thought

i hate people who are so f'n ignorant. they don't do what they know they are supposed to do because it's right. they're lazy and selfish and make life miserable for those around them. they don't know the meaning of the word sacrafice or service. they love people because of what they have and what they can give them but not because of who they are. there are too many people in this world who share these indesirable qualities and not enough people who are good, honest, helpful, unselfish, and loving. these are the type of people the world needs. why are they so few and far between?

also, sarchasm is something that should be used only in times of fun. you should never use this devise to break someone down, make them feel inferior, or simply because your day is not turning out wonderfully. sarchasm is something that should be used only with close friends in joking...and very scarcely at that. it's infuriating to ask someone a simple question when you honestly do not know the answer and get a smart-eleck answer in response!

don't you ever just want to dissappear??--discouraged

she just decided to "dissappear" for a little while!?!? what the fuck?? seriously. and then she had the nerve to say that she "proabably crossed my mind a few times, i probably wondered why she hadn't called and then i went on my merry way". well if i ever get the urge to disappear for a while will someone please smack me across the face so i can remember what this felt like. i honestly thought she had died. i knew it was either that or i did something terribly wrong and she didn't want to talk to me ever again. i thought maybe this was her way of letting me down easily. when in reality she just wanted to get away from everyone for a while. that is some messed up shit, seriously. i can't think about anything without thinking about her. you would think that she knew that by now. and i really didn't want to worry about it. i didn't want to think about it. i would have liked to just be like "whatever, she'll call me when she wants and if she doesn't then i guess she doesn't want to. i'm cool with that" and i told myself to think like that but i couldn't. i HAD to worry about her and i HAD to think about her and i HAD to wonder if she was thinking about me. i guess not. she seemed very nonchalante about everything when i called her. maybe she gets a thrill out of scaring the shit out of people. well i sure as hell hope she had a great fucking time because whether she believes me or not i could not stop wondering why she hadn't called me.

it's not healthy for me to think about someone so much. it's really not. i know it's not, it can't be. sometimes i really do wish she would just fucking go away. i thought maybe it would be better if she just didn't call me. i used to think that she cared about me more than i could ever care about her. not that i didn't care about her. just that i wasn't capable of caring about her as much. no, i must have been wrong. yeah, she's gonna hurt me this time.

Find it, Love it, Post it

"I hope you know, that I love it when you laugh. And I love it when my hair gets in your mouth when you kiss my neck. And I secretly enjoy being tickled, and even bitten. I'm proud of every mark you've ever left on my neck. I love when you hold me against the wall and kiss me. I mean, really kiss me. And the texture of your tongue makes me weak. And I'm just making sure that you know, you're the only reason I bother anymore. If it weren't for you, I would have already surrendered. I love it when you rub my hands when they get cold, and when your hands get cold, you put them in my pockets, rather than your own, or on my stomach. And I love how you're almost never cold. I'll always remember the time you put your ear to my chest, and told me that you could hear my heart beat, and that it was beating too fast. I love it when you call me every night, just to talk. And our conversation lasts hours, and sometimes, most of it is silence. I love how you feel that you need to protect me, even from things that are harmless. And even though I hate having my picture taken, you spending $10 on a camera, purely to take pictures of me, makes me smile. The fact that things went from good to bad, to great, and to worse, just makes me angry. And the fact that you said it was because you didn't want to hurt me, makes me want to reach down your throat and rip out your heart, like you did to me. When I asked, "So you're breaking up with me?" and you answered, "I don't know," yeah, that just made me want to tear you apart. And when you saw me in the hall, grabbed me and hugged me, and told me that you were sorry for hurting me, that just makes me want to kiss you, with tears running down my cheeks. I like how you still ask me for hugs, and tell me that it's okay, even though we both know, that it really isn't. And I hate how you hide the fact that your not wanting to hurt me was just an excuse. I know you lied. I hate when you laugh, and it's not with me. And I hate that I cut my hair so short, that it wouldn't get in the way of your kissing my neck anymore, not that it matters. And I miss being tickled and bitten. I wish that hickey never faded. And I hate how, every single day, I have to walk by that spot where you first held me against the wall to kiss me. I hate the texture of your tongue. I hate how there's no real reason to bother anymore. I almost want to surrender. I hate how my hands are always cold and my pockets always empty. And I'll bet that my heart is beating too slow now. I hate when the phone rings, and I expect it to be you, and then I remember what happened. I hate how those things that seemed harmless, are now hurting me the most. I miss being surprised by you and your camera, and I hate how you'll probably never get those pictures developed. Most of all, I hate how I miss you, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Let's play catch up!!

Wow!! I didn't realize it's been this long since I've written a blog! I guess I just haven't really had the need to write any...or the time. So, I guess I should try my best to fill in. Saturday, November 26, 2005 me and Josh started dating "officially". That was a basketball game so he asked me at church. Since then i've seen him almost every weekend, sometimes during the week too, been to his house twice technically, and talk to him everyday on the phone (except for that week the power was out which sucked). Hmm...i think he's gonna read this but i'm not sure. I shouldn't have told him about it because now i think it'll mess up how i write. Well anyway! Let me go on telling how things are going with me and Josh....he is so hard to describe. He's just a little mixture of everything. He's got his moments when he can be a jerk or stupid, but i think it's ok because I love him anyway. Plus, there's other times when he is REALLY sweet. And as anyone can tell i am SUCH a sucker for someone sweet! lol...like how he says we're getting married he sounds so sure of it! And i told him i didn't want an ugly ring and he said "duh!...it wouldn't match." OMG!! I love that! I started making a list of things I love about him...here's what i have so far:
1)He hangs up with me at 10:00 every night because he doesn't want me to get in trouble, even though neither of us wants to let the other one go.
2)He says "Aye, aye, Cap'n!!" in the CUTEST way ever.
3)He holds my hand when we walk together.
4)He tells me he'll take me to Salt Lake.
5)He doesn't know how to explain how he feels.
6)He tells me "I love you" more than once every day.
7)He listens to me study.
8)He sings/hums songs with me on the phone.
9)He tells me dirty jokes.
10)He tells me stupid jokes.
11)He laughs at my jokes.
12) He holds me as we lay together.
13)He kisses my cheeks.
14)He asks me to "marry him".
15)He saves his money to buy me a late Christmas present, and apologizes when he spends some.
16)He calls to tell me he'll call me back later.
17)He gets excited when we both have a day out of school and might get to see each other.
18)He lets me keep his superman shirt, adidas jacket, daffy duck tie, $2.25, and 4 of his wristbands.
19)He keeps my studded bracelet, hairbow, change left from the movies, and a stran of my hair
20) He makes fun of how I laugh.
21)He plays the guitar.
22)He plays songs I like.
23)He loves Green Day almost as much as I do.
24)He says I'm his best friend.
25)He cares about me moer than I will ever know.
26)He is sad when i'm not with him.
27)He always say's he'll "tell me later"...and he always does.
28)He thinks we're perfet for each other.

That's all I have for right now. Eventually I'll think of more. I hope to be able to list at least 50...or 100. But yeah, that's Josh! I guess I'm gonna end with something he sent me yesterday actually.

"when i tell you i love you im not just saying it to get it out of the way im saying it b/c i love telling you and reminding you im always here for you "

"Promise" by Matchbook Romance

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy (easy, easy, easy...)

Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy

I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you

Promise by Matchbook Romance

What would YOU do in a mall for 6 hours???

Well, I would have to say yesterday was fun, interesting, exciting, and all those words you use to describe a day you will never forget. The day actually started earlier that week, because earlier is when i broke up with Lindsey. Shock?? Maybe. Actually, Friday (the 18th) is when I sent her the message, but she didn't get it until monday. I can't explain how it made me feel to do that. I didn't want to, but I felt like it needed to be done. And now that it's over, I don't really know what to think about it. Maybe it's been over for a while and I just haven't seen it. Maybe it's still not over yet. It's impossible for me to tell at this point, but back to the other story. Wednesday we didn't have school so Daddy let me go to work with him for a while and then at 10 o'clock he took me to the mall to meet Josh and we hung out until 4. We walked around the mall, sat on the bed in JC Penny's for about an hour, and "watched" Pride and the Prejudice. Josh has never kissed anyone....until yesterday! That's right. I was his first kiss. And technically, I had to kiss him. I don't think he's nervous anymore. So, we don't go out (go together) yet, but I have a feeling we will pretty soon. Saturday is our first basketball game at church. I might get to go to his house for a while if my dad will let me. I really like him. He is actually the first guy that I have ever really liked. We had a little while where we didn't talk to each other(mostly my fault). But he really is my best friend. (excluding Julia who is my best girl friend) And I think he likes me too. Maybe all the bad things that happen in peoples lives are just leading up to moments like these. Maybe these are the moments we are supposed to live for.

"Give 'em Hell Kid" by My Chemical Romance

Oh baby here comes the sound!
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.

You're beautiful
Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care.
Your dreams and your hopeless hair.
We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care at all?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.'
Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

(Won't you tell me?)
(Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy)

Open Relationship...Then What???

Well, it's been quite a while since I've had a chance to even think about writing anything on here anymore. With school, and it being near the holidays, and basketball starting, and other things at church I've had no time to write anything from letters to blogs. I'm not sure exactly where I left off so what I've decided to do for this blog is pick a spot and role with it, and from what I rememeber things started getting interesting the day Kaycee made me break up with Josh for her. Kaycee was upset. Josh wasn't. That's pretty much all for that part of the story. But, their is another part.
See, Josh and I have known each other for over a year. He really is one of my best friends. And he TELLS me I'm his best friend. Coming from just anyone, I wouldn't take that too seriously, but Josh doesn't say things like that unless he means them. Well, after they broke up, Josh and I figured it wouldn't matter if we started talking because we wouldn't have to worry about Kaycee. So we started talking. I REALLY missed Josh. Well, he started being super sweet. I forgot to mention this, but Josh and I have been "together" before. It was me 1st, then my friend Custie, then Kaycee, and now we're "talking" again. (I guess I can call it that.) Well here are some examples of the sweet things Josh and I have talked about. (Some aren't really sweet, just...somethings I would not expect him to say without having thought about them before...which makes it sweet.) :
I think the best way to start off is with this...which is exactly what he said word for word...I asked him too describe me and he said "There's too many good things to name". Then I told him, Okay, pick the top three. Of course, he wasn't wanting to tell me, but I got it out of him, this is what he said. "You're so beautiful. You're the one person I would never get over, and I would cry like a baby if anything ever happened to you. You are everything I want. I love you."
Another sweet, but strange conversation we had is, well, I "asked him to marry me" and he said okay. So now we're "engaged". Even though we don't date yet. ("yet" refers to a possibiliy)
We also picked out names for kids...it sounds funny, but I do like the names. Seth, for a guy. and Skyler(shortened Skye) for a girl.
Okay so that's some of the things about Josh, but that's only the beginning. Lindsey hasn't come in the story yet, and as almost everything I do involes around or has something to do with her, it should have been expected that she would come up.
So, I had been wondering and thinking for a while about mine and Lindsey's relationship, and thinking if possibly we should go on a break or something. Talking to Josh gave me a reason and a push. When I got the chance--and the will power--I talked to her about how she thought things were going between us, and she said she could see how things would be easier on me if we had something called an "open relationship". From my understanding, that's where you're still together technically, but you can go and do and talk and stuff without feeling guilty or restricted. And we decided we would try it. And now I'm in an open relationship. After 7 months....I'm in an open relationship. And those two words have been running through my mind non-stop for the past two weeks. I'm not sure if this is what I want. I'm not sure at all. And if it isn't, then I don't know what I DO want anyway. I don't know how I can tell. I like to think everything will be wonderful by the end of the day, but I'm beginning to wonder if anything will ever be right, even up until the very end. Sometimes I wish the end would come sooner rather than later. But that thought scares me, because it brings along with it another thought. After the end.......then what?

F is for 'Fake'

Anyone who has read The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne knows the story about the Adultress who was doomed to wear the scarlet 'A' on her bosom for the rest of her days. Once, Lindsey told me that when she was studying The Scarlet Letter in school they were asked to make their own letter that told of their sin. I decided that my greatest sin is that I am not myself to everyone or in every situation. Part of this might come from my "Dependant Personality Dissorder". Which is actually a pshychological problem some people have in which they are overly dependant upon those whom they associate with. I have found, in this book, two lines that I am very fond of. The first is "Let man tremble to win the hand of woman, unless he wins along with it, the utmost passion of her heart." The other--which relates to this subject--is "No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." If I had to adopt a phrase that describes myself over tha last few years, this would be it.
Often, perhaps at the beginning of a new school year, I have been asked to describe myself. It is very hard to describe one's self, however, if one does not know who they are. Am I even certain that ANY of the faces which I show are true? Perhaps I have been so caught up in being everything, that my true self has vanished?
To be entirely honest, the place I have felt the most natural is when I have been with my friends--the friends which my family says are "no good", "bad influences", "they only wnat to bring me down", and so forth. Lindsey, Carrie, Danielle. Those are the people I feel myself around. Julia can be included in that group also, but she is "good" (not that that is a bad thing, but i was simply naming those who are not "approved of", those i can no longer associate with) Everyone else at school. Everyone else at home. Everyone else at church. I put on masks when I am with them. Those 4 people that I mentioned are those with whom I can act like myself and still be appreciated and loved and every other wonderful feeling any person gets when they are with their friends. It's the kind of feeling, like, if you are with someone and you can't think of any place on Earth you would rather be. What is a friend? What is a BEST friend? A best friend loves you for who you are, especially when who you are is yourself.

Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance) by Green Day

No Good Will Come of This

What is wrong with me? Honestly! I'm not a whore, I swear. I just always end up talking with the crushes of my friends...and family...and things go wrong. They end up liking me! Some people may consider this a good thing? Trust me, it's not! So, me and Josh have a history, right, we went out (went together) about a year ago. Now, he goes out with my sister, Kaycee. No problem, right? WRONG! Big problem. The problem is that Josh still talks to me. The last time Kaycee went out with someone that I later started talking to, they broke up because he started liking me. Obviously, I turned him down. But Kaycee thinks it's gonna happen again. I called Julia and asked her what she thought. She reminded me of the time we both started talking to Fletcher and I knew she liked him, but he liked me. We ended up going out. I'm really not a bad person, and I don't even want these things to happen. But, it's not like their married! Why are people so overprotective of people they like. We're TEENAGERS! We're supposed to "shop around" so to speak. Suddenly, I can't even talk to anyone that anybody else likes. I don't understand that. I would have no problem with Lindsey talking with other people as long as it doesn't go to far, or we were to break up before it does. The only other person I know that even remotely understands this entire concept is John. But then people get mad at him because they say he's trying to be a "player". No he's not. He's just flirting. Flirting is fun. Or at least it's supposed to be. Lighten up people!

No Good Can Come of This

Don't you hate it when your day starts off great, then something happens and you realize that everything has changed. Today was definitely one of those days. I went to school. Everything was great. Was walking down the hall before classes started and I was informed that my friend was excommunicated. Everything stopped. I litterally had to turn around and walk back the other way. I feel so awful. I know that this is not less than what I should have expected, but i really didn't want things to happen this way. I haven't talked to her yet. I found out that she was at the church Thursday, when I was supposed to be at the Camorah's Hill practice! I hate it! All i know for sure is when she left the church she was crying. And what hurts me more is that I can't do anything to help her through this. Nothing at all! I can't even write about it now. I just want to talk to her. Still, no matter what, I don't have any regrets. I hope she doesn't either.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. "Sydney J. Harris
"I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself." Brittany Renée
"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons." Jim Rohn
"I have no regrets. I wouldn't have lived my life the way I did if I was going to worry about what people were going to say." Ingrid Bergman
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." Erica Jong
"Will you ever? I don’t think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who I am.I don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star." Erica Jong

My past, present, and hopefully my future

ok here's the deal. I know that i love Lindsey. Well i think i know i love lindsey. i know she loves me. i don't know if i just want to love her or not. then i wonder if the reason i might think i love her and not know i love her is because people tell me i'm confused. I'm not sure if that made any sense. Let me start over. In the very beginning--how this whole thing started--me and one of kc's friends got probably a little too close. This was last year about a month ago. We talked alot, just as friends, then she spent the night with me one night and that's when things started changing. I layed down with her on the couch and gave her a kiss on the cheek. One time i went to give her a kiss and she kind of turned her head. It was almost on the lips. It kind of startled me. I didn' t know if she meant to or not. And then i started thinking about it later and i realized that i kind of wished she had moved all the way, so we would have actually kissed. I didn't know what to do, so i called Carrie. Carrie and Candice had been together about half a year by then and i just needed to talk to someone who knew what i was going thru. Carrie told me she wasn't going to tell me what to do. I knew what she did and saw the outcome so far. I just needed to do what i thought was right. But, to me there were 2 types of right. The right that felt right(the right i wanted) and the right i was told was the true right(the right i grew up believing). In the end, I chose to go with what I wanted. I decided that if it didn't work, or i didn't like it, then i would leave it alone. But i did like it. I liked being with someone, and it didn't bother me at all that that someone was a girl. Well, obviously my dad found out. Everything just got worse from there. I couldn't talk to Carrie or Candice or my g/f. So we broke up. I still talked to Carrie though. She's my friend, always.Things died down a little. Sometimes I still talked to my g/f on the phone. I saw Carrie at church and talked to her on the phone too. One day I was talking to Carrie b/c i needed advice for something. She said she didn't know what to tell me, but she knew someone who did. She called Lindsey. I didn't talk to Lindsey then, though. Carrie called her then called me back. Anyway, then another day I was coming home from my mom's. I had my cell phone in my pocket. when it started ringing i put it on silent b/c i figured it was carrie and daddy wouldn't let me talk to her. When i got home i had a message. it said "Hey, Lauren, this is Lindsey Tanner from greenville 2nd. I was just calling because i'm bored, and stuff. My number is ###-#### So, call me back if you want, and if you don't, that's cool. Bye." Yeah, I memorized the message. It was honestly the coolest message anyone has ever left me and i listened to it soooo many times. Well, it isn't something i would normally do, but i called Lindsey back. She answered and told me she was actually calling for Carrie. I said,"Ok, cool" but i kept talking to her. I knew Lindsey from camp and things like that and i thought she was the most awesome person on earth, but i didn't think she knew who i was or rememberd me at all. Turns out, she did, so we just kept talking, and one day i said something to her that made her mad at me. (not mad mad, but playful "i can't believe you did that" mad) I don't know what i was thinking, i probably wasn't, but i said "i love you." She got quiet. She stayed quiet for about 5 minutes. All i could hear was her TRYING to say something but nothing coming out. It was the sweetest thing. Then she finally said, "i love you too." I had the biggest smile on my face, I got butterflies like who knows what, and i absolutely knew i loved her at that moment. So life went on, we talked...a lot. Then one day she called my cell phone. I picked up the house phone and called her back so i wouldn't use my minutes. (now i wish i had just stayed on my cell) She called while she was on her way to work. And when she had to go she said "i love you." I really didn't want to let her go, so i just sat there and didn't say anything. She said "i'm sorry. i love you. I'll call you later" That's when my dad said "No, Lindsey, you won't. If you call anyone back, it will be me." My dad had picked up the phone, and listened to my conversation. I still don't know how much he heard, and that wasn't the last time he would do that. I think there wer two or three other times I had called Lindsey, and my dad picked up, heard me talking to her, listened to my converstaion, then grouned me. I pretty much have been grounded for the past year. Now, i talk to Lindsey as much as I can. It's definitely not as much as i want to. Once a month if i'm lucky. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in a long time. Sometimes I wonder if the last time i saw her was my very last. I hope not. For now, I just rely on the memories to get me through. They are the only thing I have to help me remember who she is, and how wonderful it made me feel to be with her, to know she was thinking of me. There is so much more to the story. If I added all the details, I would be typing all night. I left out all the sweet things, all the funny thing, all the things she said that let me know she cared about me. Everything reminds me of her. It doesn't matter how hard i try not to think of her; I can't get through one day without something making me think of Lindsey. I really miss her. I really love her. And if you could see me now you would probably notice the tears that are coming to my eyes at this moment. It's really hard, knowing that someone loves you, and knowing that you love them back, and having something stopping that. To have something keeping them from you. I want to be with my girlfriend, and i wish wanting something bad enough would make getting it easier. I think the only thing it makes easier is letting go of everything else. For now, I just hope she knows that she is on my mind constantly, and that i love her more than anything in this world. I want to be with her. She made my past wonderful! She makes my present bareable. And, hopefully, she wil be my future as well.

Band Competition

Well, I just got back from Kaycee and Taylor's band competition. I don't know how we placed because we left before they gave awards, but Josh and Travis, and Candice, and this guy named Spencer came. I didn't talk to Candice even though my dad wasn't there. My mom was there, but I don't think she knows what Candice looks like. So, I sat with Josh the whole time. He is really cool. I miss him. Josh and I went out about a year ago. He broke up with me because he found out about my first girlfriend. Since that time he has gone out with Curstie--one of my friends--and he is currently going out with my sister, Kaycee. I was talking with him today on the phone. (He called to see where the competition was.) and I was asking him if he liked Kaycee and stuff like that. Of course he said yeah. But then we started talking about how we broke up. He told me if I hadn't been gay, he would have stayed with me. (I find this ironic because his sister is gay, but whatever.) Then I told him that I most likely wouldn't have gone through with this whole gay thing, but we broke up. So we decided we were both stupid and it was both of our faults. Then I asked him who he liked more, me or Kayce. He didn't want to answer. Then after a lot of pleading, he said me. I don't know how much I can believe him. I want to. He's not the kind of person to just say something like that. If he liked Kaycee more he would have said..."Duh, i'm going out with Kaycee. Of course I like her." But he didn't. Guys are confusing and hard to read. But then I asked him why and he wouldn't tell me. He said something like "No i'm not getting all mushy." (Yeah, he's a loser. But you gotta love him.) He said he might tell me at the competition, but he never did. And he wouldn't show me his arms--he has NICE arms...he works out. But he did tell me something. Not exactly what I would prefer to talk about with him. But he said "My sister told me something." I said "What?" He said, "She told me you would do Lindsey." I looked at him and said, "She IS my girlfriend." Then he was like eww and he moved over. I grabbed his arm and told him to come back beside me. But he was all "no, you said you would do Lindsey." He makes me so frustrated. I mean, he knows the answer to all those questions before he asks them. And then he still preceeds to make me mad and be an ass. Whatever. I give up. I hope Kaycee and him have a nice time together. Why must life be so hard?

My Friend

So this is kind of late but I am really happy as of a few days ago when I found out that I have a GAY GUY FRIEND. See, we've been freinds, but I didn't know he was gay. Then he found out I was bi and we were talking about it, and he told me he was gay. I think he is soooo cute too. And he's had a boyfriend before and he thinks a lot of guys at school are hot and he tells me who they are. But now I am going to the band competition I'll tell more later.

Another day in the life of...

So, not much really happened today. Evan told me that his dad kicked him out of his house! Some parents do the stupidest things. From what I hear, Evan's dad just kept deleting a program from their computer and Evan had to keep putting it back on. That's not all that's going on in Evan's life, but it was the last straw. So Evan said something to his dad about it and it ended in a big fight. Evan left, came to my house, went back to appologize, and now is living with John. That's basically the whole story (or at least all I know).
On a happier note...Danielle might be coming back to Blacksburg!!!!!!!!! I heard that and I swear my heart dropped. I really miss Dani. I don't think she knows how much. But if she does come back, I will be sure to let her know. She was honestly one of the best things in my life. Her leaving upset me more than I let on. And getting a hug from her Friday was basically a little sigh of relief. It just made me feel like, someday, everything will be better and we will discover the reason behind all of this maddness some people call life. To put it simply, Danielle really makes me happy.
Another cool thing that happened today is I talked to Nikki. Nikki is a gay girl in my sister's grade who Kaycee asked if she would ever go out with me. We had never talked. But I knew she liked me...or at least wanted to get to know me. Anyway, she was at the park today when I was baby-sitting Caroline and Dylan, so I sat down and talked with her while the kids played. She's not as bad as I thought she would be.

Quotes, "and Stuff"

*It’s not what I feel for you, it’s what I don’t feel for anyone else but you.
*Feelings disappear; can I be your memory?
*Don’t you ever want to run away, and see if anyone comes looking for you?
*My dream is to hear rocks hitting the window and see you standing in the rain.
*Have you ever thought of someone and realized you were smiling the whole time?
*You found me when no one else was looking.
*Maybe all I can do is hope to end up with the right regrets...
*One of these days, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
*For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
*Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.
*Love should never be a secret. If you keep something as complicated as love stored up inside, it could make you sick.
*There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
*Never regret something that once made you smile.
*To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
*Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! ~~The Scarlet Letter
*No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered aas to which may be the true. ~~The Scarlet Letter
*Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage.
*When it hurts to look back and you're scare to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

(taken from my buddy profile)
From: Curstie Lynn!/onelildevil07
Email:
Subject: HOWDY!!!
Message: Lauren, Well well well...what do I say?? Why the fuck duz every1 always say that lol? Obviously they know what to say if they've sed that...but oh well...back to the point. LOL today was the basketball game! Whoo! Remember...lol "I was wishing for a dark hallway...or classroom...heck it doesn't even have 2 be dark!" LMAO!! LOL and "This is Lindsey Tanner from Greenville 2nd..." lol she's great! Anyways, and remember the list of 5 ppl!!! We will never forget that! And don't forget...I AM having a party...I WILL DO IT!!...no no wait, not IT! it!...as in...PARTY! lol There will be fun times @ that party, lemme tell ya what dude! LOL, dude! haha! OH yea, the statements of luv LOL...what number was it again..lol that was so funny!! Well anyways I bet you wanna come back to the computer now so I will wrap this one up...oh yea, Justin Garrett McDaniel is another memory!! Can't leave out HIM! haha...l8r homie!! Luv ya~

Homecoming

Here is a list of the main people i talk about in this blog and some info about them:

Danielle(Dani)- one of my best friends; girlfriend of Candice; my dad dislikes her a lot
Candice- Gay pimp; sister of Josh; my dad hates her
Josh- b/f of Kaycee; my dad has no problem with him
Kaycee- my sister
Chase- my cousin
Evan- my friend; lives up the road from me; my dad really likes him
Hillary- my friend; takes me to work; my dad doesn't know her


Homecoming is absolutely my favorite day out of the entire school year. This years homecoming assembly was based on a theme called "Blast from the Past"(or something like that). It went from the 1920's all the way to present. My cousin, Chase, is a great dancer! I wish I was talented like him. He can sing, dance, and he's just a great person all around. He was in about four of the skits.
After the homecoming assembly was over we went to homeroom. Just about everyone signs out after the assembly. So I called my dad and asked him if I could sign out and go to my friend Hillary's house. Amazingly, he said yes. Thinking back on it, this is the first time I've been invited, and allowed, to go to someone else's house since I was 7. Well, that doesn't count going to Evan's or "dropping by" Lindsey's house. (That was back when I could still talk to her.)
At about 2 o'clock, we came back to the school and went to the pep rally. Nothing special, just a pep rally.
Then, came the football game. Danielle is one of my very best friends who moved to Greenville this year and I miss her really bad. I don't get to talk to her or see her or anything because she has a girlfriend also, Candice, who my dad hates (because he's homophobic). The last time I got to talk to Dani was at a football game about a month ago. And she came to this one! Before we even left the house, my dad told me I couldn't talk to her. When we got to the game I saw Dani. I motioned that I couldn't talk to her cause my dad wouldn't let me and she ran/walked in the other direction seeing as how my dad was in front of me. The only person I was allowed to talk to at the game from out of town was Josh, Kaycee's boyfriend and Candice's brother. I was sitting on the hill when I saw Josh. He looked at me then the people who were standing in front of Candice moved. I said "Oh my god, you can't be here." They looked up to the bleachers, saw my dad looking down at us, and ran away. About that time I started getting really upset. Not upset mad or sad but more freaking out. I think I was hyperventelating and everyone was telling me to calm down and honestly I don't know why I was doing any of this. I just felt like my dad was going to be soooo angry and take me home and I would just get in more trouble than I have been for the past year. Well, Danielle saw all of this. And she was going to go talk to my dad but I told her no she couldn't. Then I walked away because I knew he could see me and I didn't want to start anything between them. Then after a while I was still freaking out, and Dani was still seeing all this so I backed up to the bleachers, and she came over and gave me a hug. She told me everything would be ok and made me feel so much better. I walked away. I wish I would have stayed and talked with her. I still miss her.
The drama doesn't end there. After the band and colorguard left I was sitting with Josh, waiting on Kaycee, and Candice came up. She was talking to Josh and said "We have to go" Josh said "what?" Then I realized Candice was crying and she said "We have to go, I'm gonna get arrested." I backed up and walked away. They left. Then I told Kaycee what happened. Last I heard, Danielle's parents saw Danie and Candice together. I wish I knew more, but the story ends there.

Ring Ceremony

Finally, ring ceremony! I'm a junior so i got my ring. This is a great day, right? A day I will never forget, right? Well, at least it's a day I will never forget. So, I come home and my dad takes me to the mall to go buy a dress. I come home, put on make-up, brush my teeth, and paint my fingernails while Kaycee straightens my hair. I tell Kaycee to call my mom and make sure she's coming and remind her it's at 7. Kaycee calls my dad back on his cell phone and tells him that my mom forgot and she's in the middle of cooking supper. She can't come. Then we go to school and go through the ceremony. Afterwards my class is standing out in the hall. I go look for my dad. When i find him, the first thing he says is "Are you ready?"(of course, he wants to leave) I ask him where Kaycee is. He tells me she's at home. I wanted Kaycee to be the first person to turn my ring (we turn our ring 106 times toward our pinky and the 107th turn is toward your "heart" that is called locking your ring....i'm not having mine locked) So, we started walking toward the car and i rememberd I needed to go have my picture taken. Dad says to hurry and he'll be waiting in the car (big shock). I started walking toward the autitorium and the first person to notice I was crying was Curstie. She was also the first to realize I wasn't crying because I was happy. Imagine that, my friend knew something was wrong with me. Well, I got my picture taken, came home, went to kaycee's room (still crying by the way) and asked her if she wanted to turn my ring. She asked what was wrong and turned my ring. As it turns out, my dad never came home to pick Kaycee up, so she didn't have a way there. I understand that, but ring ceremony-to me- is bigger than graduation. Sure, graduation represents 12 years of hard work. But you class ring is more than that. It represents 12 years of memories. Anyway, the rest of the night kind of followed that same pattern. Welcome to my life.

My First Blog!!!

Well, this is my first blog so i'm just goint to introduce myself. My name is Lauren. I have 3 sisters (all younger), and a half brother. My parents have been separated for about 6 years. I have been going through some really hard times with my family lately. Nothing with money or health or anything. My father has known I'm gay for about a year and honestly, he is tired of it. I have a girlfriend named Lindsey who i never get to see and I think it's killing her almost as much as it does me. I hope to god my father never sees these, but there's no keeping anything from him. He'll find everything eventually.